My Before by Stephen House

i find the courage and go to the place of my before. 

breathe deep as i cross industrial wastelands, as smoky grit envelopes me, blizzards spew trauma in my mouth and eyes, and calling desperados, speeding high, hurl toxic glares in my anxious path. 

i pass naked seekers gathered at openings of dark tunnels gesturing me back in to play the game; ignore lurking, leering ghosts who dance at me in spinning need. i flee from where i dwelt in trap but now leave near behind

 

he is sitting in empty shrine outside a shut-down city on his garbage-strewn way; footpath rest beside him; smoking magic and sipping on a warm can of lust; engrossed in watching a scrawny creature picking through an overflowing bin. i sit next to him. 

 

“hey, i came back to see you,” i say. he offers me a puff of green. i shake my head, mouth no. i continue, “i need to ask you why you never tried to save me; why it was left to me to escape the nowhere ditch; to see if any strength to run remained; to discover that absent will-power i could never muster; to know if i was more than me and the pain i sucked in daily. i want to know why you didn’t show me what and who i was.” 

 

he stands and paces; bangs his grubby hand on burning prayer-graffitied walls. “stop that fucking racket and tell me why,” i shout in moaning plea. he ends his chaos and slumps to crawl. we watch the creature rip apart a wasted dream it’s dragged from the bin; eyes glazed as greedy mouth gulps rotting hope; slimy blood of want spilling over all that never grew. 

 

he looks into my eyes, and i sense sadness so real, i see someone i have never seen before. “i don’t know why i didn’t give you what and who you were,” he mutters, as the creature skulks away with fear remains dribbling psychedelic trail. 

 

i stand, and reaching up to a vibrating sky, i float gently away from where i couldn’t exist, as he fades screaming into nothing now remains.  

Stephen House is an award-winning playwright, poet and performer. He’s had many plays commissioned and produced. He has received international literature residencies from The Australia Council. His book “real and unreal” was published by ICOE Press, and his next book is out soon. He performs his acclaimed monologues widely.